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arqueeteGUUUUUUYS WE JUST BOUGHT ON STAGE SEATS FOR SA.
I'm so excited you don't even know. LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE I'M SITTING.
Rachelle and I are going to take BB 14 and 12, and my sister, mom, and cousin will take BB 2, 4, and 6.
My dad... I don't even know what he'll do when he finds out. He doesn't know we have tickets for Saturday, either. This is like over $400 worth of Spring Awakening tickets right now and he's freaking out that Bertha is even going to Homecoming and just goes on and on about how he doesn't know about his job and we're not cutting back enough and such-and-such person he knows didn't give their kids any birthday or Christmas gifts for the past 5 years and he already groans about me and how I'm lazy and I don't help out enough around the house and how are we going to pay these school loans anyway YOU GET THE PICTURE.
I'm trying not to think about it. Lately I feel like I've been sleeping constantly and had I don't even know what that was with the back problems and the near panic attack last week and I haven't been keeping up with RP or really... anything productive. I think I have a bit of an anxiety problem. I only go to school three days a week but when I go to school I'm constantly on edge and then I come home and constantly fret about whether I really am lazy and useless and about these tickets and money and -- it's not my money, obviously I don't have a job or anything, but that makes it 10 times worse because... it's not my money. So who am I to ask for any when I don't contribute anything substantial to the household, monetary or effort-wise?
And though it feels like my paranoia about spending money is being practical I don't think it is. I think it is just another thing on top of how I'm still mildly stressed out just by being in college, even after almost a month now, just because it's a new place where I hardly know anyone. A lot of my life, or so it feels, has been spent feeling awful about things but just forcing myself to do them anyway because I felt awful about feeling awful (and then there was the swim unit in PE, which is an example of when I sucked it up and instead of FEELING STRONGER FOR OVERCOMING MY FEARS! as every TV show aimed at kids will tell you and was what I was going for, I got instead taught that if I push my anxious feelings too far I will have some sort of breakdown).
But I wanted this. I want this. I'm like tearing up talking about it (and I'm not even PMSing :|). Everyone knows how obsessed I am with Spring Awakening and have been for so long and... I got to see PART of it in Chicago (and then there's the added weight and embarrassment of the fact that my family is unable to be on time for anything, which is another stress factor in my life)... And it was still so wonderful, even missing like half the first act. But it's coming right by me, and I have this opportunity to not only see it again with my best friend AND my family, the whole thing, but also to sit on stage... I want to do this. I want to let myself be excited about it and happy about it and at least, for a little while, just... be that. Be happy. And not guilt-stricken.
It's going to be wonderful. I want something to be wonderful and not have it blow up in my face and not be afraid to expect it will be wonderful. I'm sure I'm being overdramatic and just venting in response to being stressed lately, but sometimes, sometimes, I just want everything to go like I want it to go, because I feel like I get screwed over too much on a day to day basis and emotionally it's a non-stop struggle to deal with... life.
Today I did get a chance to sit by the pond at school and watch the ducks splashing around. I like the pond and I like sitting outside when I have time. It's just... nice. I can just watch duckies and how cute they are and how they duck their heads under the water with their little feathery behinds in the air and life seems funnier and not such serious business.
On a related note, I might feel better if I sell off the dolls I have so far. I have Ilse, Martha, and Anna. They're about... 5 inches high I estimate without a ruler. Would anyone be interested? I could probably sew more but I don't want to commit myself as, like I said, I've been completely unproductive lately... unless someone offered me a decent sum of money to make them one.
I'm so excited you don't even know. LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE I'M SITTING.
Rachelle and I are going to take BB 14 and 12, and my sister, mom, and cousin will take BB 2, 4, and 6.
My dad... I don't even know what he'll do when he finds out. He doesn't know we have tickets for Saturday, either. This is like over $400 worth of Spring Awakening tickets right now and he's freaking out that Bertha is even going to Homecoming and just goes on and on about how he doesn't know about his job and we're not cutting back enough and such-and-such person he knows didn't give their kids any birthday or Christmas gifts for the past 5 years and he already groans about me and how I'm lazy and I don't help out enough around the house and how are we going to pay these school loans anyway YOU GET THE PICTURE.
I'm trying not to think about it. Lately I feel like I've been sleeping constantly and had I don't even know what that was with the back problems and the near panic attack last week and I haven't been keeping up with RP or really... anything productive. I think I have a bit of an anxiety problem. I only go to school three days a week but when I go to school I'm constantly on edge and then I come home and constantly fret about whether I really am lazy and useless and about these tickets and money and -- it's not my money, obviously I don't have a job or anything, but that makes it 10 times worse because... it's not my money. So who am I to ask for any when I don't contribute anything substantial to the household, monetary or effort-wise?
And though it feels like my paranoia about spending money is being practical I don't think it is. I think it is just another thing on top of how I'm still mildly stressed out just by being in college, even after almost a month now, just because it's a new place where I hardly know anyone. A lot of my life, or so it feels, has been spent feeling awful about things but just forcing myself to do them anyway because I felt awful about feeling awful (and then there was the swim unit in PE, which is an example of when I sucked it up and instead of FEELING STRONGER FOR OVERCOMING MY FEARS! as every TV show aimed at kids will tell you and was what I was going for, I got instead taught that if I push my anxious feelings too far I will have some sort of breakdown).
But I wanted this. I want this. I'm like tearing up talking about it (and I'm not even PMSing :|). Everyone knows how obsessed I am with Spring Awakening and have been for so long and... I got to see PART of it in Chicago (and then there's the added weight and embarrassment of the fact that my family is unable to be on time for anything, which is another stress factor in my life)... And it was still so wonderful, even missing like half the first act. But it's coming right by me, and I have this opportunity to not only see it again with my best friend AND my family, the whole thing, but also to sit on stage... I want to do this. I want to let myself be excited about it and happy about it and at least, for a little while, just... be that. Be happy. And not guilt-stricken.
It's going to be wonderful. I want something to be wonderful and not have it blow up in my face and not be afraid to expect it will be wonderful. I'm sure I'm being overdramatic and just venting in response to being stressed lately, but sometimes, sometimes, I just want everything to go like I want it to go, because I feel like I get screwed over too much on a day to day basis and emotionally it's a non-stop struggle to deal with... life.
Today I did get a chance to sit by the pond at school and watch the ducks splashing around. I like the pond and I like sitting outside when I have time. It's just... nice. I can just watch duckies and how cute they are and how they duck their heads under the water with their little feathery behinds in the air and life seems funnier and not such serious business.
On a related note, I might feel better if I sell off the dolls I have so far. I have Ilse, Martha, and Anna. They're about... 5 inches high I estimate without a ruler. Would anyone be interested? I could probably sew more but I don't want to commit myself as, like I said, I've been completely unproductive lately... unless someone offered me a decent sum of money to make them one.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 12:54 am (UTC)Let me know if you want to know who sits by you when. I still remember. :)
And it will be completely worth it! This will probably make your year, which will make you happy for at least a while.
I hope it all works out!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 01:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-25 01:55 am (UTC)