Everything's Waiting

Sup LJ I'm going to try and do more posts of substance in the coming days and less talk about Spring Awakening and YouTube video dumpings.

My schoolwork has been pretty bleh lately. Well, my life has been pretty bleh lately. My mood has been pretty low this past week or so and I've been staying up ridiculously late again, which killed me today when I was still awake when my sister got up at 6:30am knowing that I had to be awake by noon at the very latest. However, despite my general anxiety problems lately I had a pretty good day at school today and I even dragged myself into the library to finally, since I failed so spectacularly when it was my goal for winter break, check out a book to read (unrelated to Spring Awakening). (Though speaking of Spring Awakening and books related to it, someone at a forum I'm on got me very interested in The Confusions of Young Törless which intrigues me because I have some thing for abusive German-speaking 19th century teenage boys? Who knows. But neither my local library nor my school library has a copy. Has anyone read it and is it worth my possibly ordering a copy?)

The book in question is Me Talk Pretty One Day which I stumbled across and remembered Josh Groban liking and FYI Josh Groban is my favorite celebrity Twitterer and formerly one of my favorite singers (well, not to say I dislike him now by any means, I just don't listen to him so much anymore). So Exciting Spring Break Goal #1: Read Book.

Next, I feel like for someone hoping to get a career relating to the internets that I should make better use of them. Such as this LJ which I should actually bother to write things in that aren't related to Spring Awakening (I have another blog I try to use for that that I ought to go through and reorganize or something -- AND FOR WHICH I JUST DESIGNED A NEW LAYOUT LOOK AT THAT THING. prosopopeya says it looks like Steven Sater vomited out my header. I believe this is accurate.). Considering actually bothering to use Delicious after I got an account um like three years ago and immediately gave up on it. Firefox is such a bitch to me and I think I've become so accustomed to it crashing sometimes as much as 3 times in a night and playing videos like they're a series of still shots that I've forgotten what having a browser work well for me is like. I do have a lot of attachment to Firefox (obviously), so I'd like to try and figure out why it hates me so much and see if I can't try out the extensions and such out there for making it run faster as msmoocow suggested. But I'd also like to consider my other options. It's been a long time since I've really honestly looked at what other browsers have to offer and I haven't even downloaded Chrome yet.

ALSO I'd like to look into getting paid web hosting (which I had for many years but dropped this past summer because at the time I wasn't using it for anything useful) which means talking to my parents as I have no money. I'm struggling with free hosts now that I'm looking to start some projects that can help me use stuff I'm learning in school, not to mention it'd be nice to have a new house for my current personal project of the moment, Ghost Town. I'd like to also get another domain name (or two?). Stellmond is great and I don't want to lose it, but it's not really applicable to anything anymore. I'd sort of like to grab loveuntilwedie and I feel like I should try and get my name to get a proper portfolio site together (eventually). Though my first and last name is already taken by someone who's just hogging the domain (grrr) so my options are first name dash last name or first middle last name. Or something else? idk.

Whether I should just get a variation of my name and put my personal stuff on there also (like, in subdomains) is something I waffle about. I don't really like to associate my name with my more personal internet usage and persona, but I'm finding that as I start to dabble in like... following classmates and web design-related people on Twitter and all that that it might be too late to really make a separation even if I wanted to commit to that, and I also can't help but feel like my web presence says a lot about me... and it might be of value to have that presence associated with my name. It's weird because it puts me in a position where like... I watch what I say on Twitter a lot more now and things like that, but then again, that might be a good position to be in -- better, certainly, than someone uncovering that you have some other persona on the web that you're trying to cover up and that's where you put all of the things you wouldn't say with your professional name attached. (Or at least, remember to keep those things more truely private, such as flocked, than just putting them publicly under an alias and hoping no one discovers that alias, which actually was my strategy all through middle and high school... only to have things happen like my sister's friends discover that she was following me on Twitter and therefore found me and followed me.) 

But basically my Exciting Spring Break Goal #2: Improve My Computer Usage Habits.

Because of my failures in school I really ought to add a goal 3 to study JavaScript and junk but you know what, I'm not going to. I already worry about school, I don't need to make it a goal to worry about school.

So LJ. Today is St. Nicholas Day, and I must brag because I am in one of the few parts of the world, and even fewer parts of the US, which celebrates this confusing younger sibling of Christmas. It wasn't until I became a part of the internets that I came to realize that not everyone celebrates this -- and I think there would definitely be people who have lived their whole lives here (this being around Milwaukee) who would be surprised to hear that. It's sort of like Valentine's day in its celebration -- you wake up and St. Nick has filled your stocking, or I guess shoes more traditionally, with candy and sometimes littler gifts like a movie or a little toy or something.

The thing that gets me, though, is like... back when I was really little and assumedly believed in Santa Claus, and just for kids that grow up with this tradition in general, how on Earth did I process the existence of St. Nick? I mean, Santa Claus is based on St. Nicholas (growing up I think I, like most kids here, was told that St. Nick is a helper of Santa), and with JOLLY OLD ST. NICHOLAAAAS and all, usually when people say St. Nick they mean Santa Claus, so... how did we deal with the idea that St. Nick is a different person when movies, songs, etc. say otherwise? I guess we just never really thought about the fact that unlike Santa, St. Nick doesn't get any cool movies or anything. And how on Earth did we somehow end up with St. Nick's Day and Christmas being two separate things as an extension of the mistaken belief that they are different people -- or rather, from wherever the tradition comes from (for us here it was probably from Germany), how did they end up with that madness? I assume they do both in Germany like we do. idk I don't know anyone in Germany. Wikipedia is vague.

Wikipedia offers me this nice image, though, so I can better hypothesize:



Santa Claus and St. Nick. They're not the same person. Yes, I mean... it'd be easy to mistake them, maybe... but obviously they're not, I mean... as you can tell by the chocolate representations... Santa's like... a little bit taller... so. I think. He could just be standing a little further away. Also Santa has presents and St. Nick just has... like... a staff. So. idk. I mean, even though Santa has the presents I would argue that St. Nick is less frightening.

So anyway, LJ, here's a Christmas song in honor of St. Nick.



So, LJ, anyone else celebrate this holiday?

So sleepy... Socializing AND shopping today makes me exhaaausted... but I did have fun at the write-in for the short time I was there and I got a new winter coat that is adorable.

I passed the 10k mark today!

And now I must sleep uuuuugh...

Have decided I will attempt at all possible to suck it up and stay at school until the 5:30 write-in there on Wednesday, even if this means I will have been at school for like 9 hours by the time the thing even starts. Ouch. But hey, I dealt with much worse in like... hell week of the musical last year, so I should be able to SUCK IT UP for one day. I can sleep at school. Alternatively, I CAN SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD. But today I am giving in and sleeping despite being alive.

Goodnight.

IT IS NOW NOVEMBER 2ND. I HAVE SURVIVED DAY ONE.

This is the first year where I'll regularly be going to bed in the wee hours of the morning, so this sort of messes with my ideas of what is day one, etc. And even after I write this post I might try and write a little more before bed. BUT as of writing I have 2669 words when, as we all know far, far too well, the minimum for day one to be on track is 1667 words. So that's about 1k over, which is good, but not great -- the best option is to try and get together as many of them words as possible in the first couple days.

Though, TMI, I got my period tonight and it was like, killing my soul, and I wasn't writing for a while simply because I wasn't feeling good. But at least the worst is over as far as my body is concerned.

As for my novel? It's trucking along. I'm finding that maybe all that TV Tropes reading -- more on that in a second -- is good for me. Today I ended up in a spot where I was like GOD THIS SCENE IS SO STEREOTYPICAL BRATTY TEENAGER TALKS BACK TO OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT and it was bothering me that my characters were already crumbling like that so soon, so I let my protagonist lightly lampshade it, and let the bratty teenager involved respond to that accusation of his bratty-teenagerness and in the process a) set up for a scene coming up soon and b) let it be put out there that this was uncharacteristic for this character and a hint that something was really putting them on edge.

The plot of my novel, as currently planned? I tend to believe that it's better not to ramble on in detail about these kinds of things, especially about things yet to be written, but I'll sum it up: a group of teenagers struggle with being uprooted after their city is the center of a nuclear disaster.

As for my inspiration for this NaNovel, I need to give out three shoutouts: first, to this person at singitdj whose post made me go OH! THAT'S IT! MY PLOT! second to p4tta for originally linking chat to the Wiki article on the Chernobyl disaster which lead to my morbid fascination with it, and to distant_flicker who in response to that linked to Centralia, Pennsylvania.

Thanks to TV Tropes I also was educated about Big Rigs Over The Road Racing, which GameSpot called, "So astoundingly bad that it manages to transcend nearly every boundary put forth by some of gaming's absolute worst of the worst and easily makes it into that dubiously extraordinary category of being one of the most atrocious games ever published." The existence of this game in the universe has improved my life much in the way of the Gollywog and Rob Devaney.

1. Man. Groff/Creel? Impressive, Groff, impressive.

2. We got three Trick-or-Treaters today and I got to give them candy.



3.
( HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS )

GUUUUUUYS WE JUST BOUGHT ON STAGE SEATS FOR SA.

I'm so excited you don't even know. LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE I'M SITTING.

( Seating chart )

Rachelle and I are going to take BB 14 and 12, and my sister, mom, and cousin will take BB 2, 4, and 6.

My dad... I don't even know what he'll do when he finds out. He doesn't know we have tickets for Saturday, either. This is like over $400 worth of Spring Awakening tickets right now and he's freaking out that Bertha is even going to Homecoming and just goes on and on about how he doesn't know about his job and we're not cutting back enough and such-and-such person he knows didn't give their kids any birthday or Christmas gifts for the past 5 years and he already groans about me and how I'm lazy and I don't help out enough around the house and how are we going to pay these school loans anyway YOU GET THE PICTURE.

I'm trying not to think about it. Lately I feel like I've been sleeping constantly and had I don't even know what that was with the back problems and the near panic attack last week and I haven't been keeping up with RP or really... anything productive. I think I have a bit of an anxiety problem. I only go to school three days a week but when I go to school I'm constantly on edge and then I come home and constantly fret about whether I really am lazy and useless and about these tickets and money and -- it's not my money, obviously I don't have a job or anything, but that makes it 10 times worse because... it's not my money. So who am I to ask for any when I don't contribute anything substantial to the household, monetary or effort-wise?

And though it feels like my paranoia about spending money is being practical I don't think it is. I think it is just another thing on top of how I'm still mildly stressed out just by being in college, even after almost a month now, just because it's a new place where I hardly know anyone. A lot of my life, or so it feels, has been spent feeling awful about things but just forcing myself to do them anyway because I felt awful about feeling awful (and then there was the swim unit in PE, which is an example of when I sucked it up and instead of FEELING STRONGER FOR OVERCOMING MY FEARS! as every TV show aimed at kids will tell you and was what I was going for, I got instead taught that if I push my anxious feelings too far I will have some sort of breakdown).

But I wanted this. I want this. I'm like tearing up talking about it (and I'm not even PMSing :|). Everyone knows how obsessed I am with Spring Awakening and have been for so long and... I got to see PART of it in Chicago (and then there's the added weight and embarrassment of the fact that my family is unable to be on time for anything, which is another stress factor in my life)... And it was still so wonderful, even missing like half the first act. But it's coming right by me, and I have this opportunity to not only see it again with my best friend AND my family, the whole thing, but also to sit on stage... I want to do this. I want to let myself be excited about it and happy about it and at least, for a little while, just... be that. Be happy. And not guilt-stricken.

It's going to be wonderful. I want something to be wonderful and not have it blow up in my face and not be afraid to expect it will be wonderful. I'm sure I'm being overdramatic and just venting in response to being stressed lately, but sometimes, sometimes, I just want everything to go like I want it to go, because I feel like I get screwed over too much on a day to day basis and emotionally it's a non-stop struggle to deal with... life.

Today I did get a chance to sit by the pond at school and watch the ducks splashing around. I like the pond and I like sitting outside when I have time. It's just... nice. I can just watch duckies and how cute they are and how they duck their heads under the water with their little feathery behinds in the air and life seems funnier and not such serious business.

On a related note, I might feel better if I sell off the dolls I have so far. I have Ilse, Martha, and Anna. They're about... 5 inches high I estimate without a ruler. Would anyone be interested? I could probably sew more but I don't want to commit myself as, like I said, I've been completely unproductive lately... unless someone offered me a decent sum of money to make them one.

I am so in love with this song right now.



Regina is the kind of artist that makes me need to go out and actually buy this CD.

In other news, I had my second class ever todaaaay and it was good. I was so nervous about starting college and whether I was making good choices in my education (going into this technical diploma program at this community college). But I feel good about it, I think. I would rather be where I am than at some four-year college feeling undecided. That's not to say I might not go do that after this, but I felt like for my first experiences in college I needed to just *pick something* and study that, refuse to be tortured by indecision at least for a while, and I think it was a good choice. This material interests me and I have experience with it so I sort of know what I'm getting myself into and that I like it and can handle it, and I like being able to say I'm doing *this* right now.

On that note, I have homework to do because I have class in 7 hours.

WE SAW PHANTOM TONIGHT. LIKE FOR REALS PHANTOM FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER (LAST TIME I SAW PHANTOM VEGAS).

WE HAD SOME UNDERSTUDIES WHICH MADE US HAPPY. CARLOTTA, ANDRE, AND SOME ENSEMBLEY PEOPLE.

AND SO I THOUGHT JOHN CUDIA WAS STILL TOUR PHANTOM AND I WAS EXCITED BECAUSE I KNOW HE'S GOOD... AND THEN WE GOT TO THE THEATER AND JOHN'S NAME WASN'T ON THE CAST BOARD AND WE WERE LIKE WHAAAT AND RACHELLE NOTICED THAT TIM MARTIN GLEASON WAS THERE AND I WAS LIKE REALLY. HE IS NOT RAOUL ON TOUR AGAIN, IS HE?

HE WAS OUR PHANTOM.

AND YOU KNOW I'M NOT TOO EASILY IMPRESSED WITH PHANTOM BUT HIS PHANTOM WAS SO CHILDISHLY VULNERABLE AND OUR CHRISTINE HAD A GORGEOUS VOICE AND IT WAS JUST ALL SO GOOD. SO GOOD.

I cleaned lots of things today. It was not very fun.

I got up at like 1 today guys. That is impressive. Now I'm passing time by sewing -- THE LAST DOLL I NEED DONE FOR msmoocow'S APPROACHING BIRTHDAY @_@

3 hours until prosopopeya lands.

So I haven't given a real life update here in a while.

First um, prosopopeya is flying out here in August. No, really. I still don't think I'll really appreciate it until she's here. I remember when harbek came my first reaction to seeing her was just like I can't believe you're real.

We're going to be seeing Spring Awakening in Chicago (on stage -- though right now that's proving a little scary because it appears the on stage seats haven't been put up for sale yet (either that or they're sold out somehow already) and so we don't know when we'll be able to buy them -- anyone know how these things usually go?) and Phantom in Milwaukee, toooo. And then in October I get to see SA AGAIN in Milwaukee (hopefully MORE THAN ONCE).

I FINALLY GOT MY E-MAIL WORKING PROPERLY AGAIN TODAY. I was without e-mail for a long while and it hurts. One last frustration: So I canceled my web hosting on June 30th. It's still "pending cancel" and I keep getting bugged about this invoice due on the 1st, except the reason why I canceled on the 30th is I'm almost certain that that invoice is for the next three months which obviously I don't want. Because how on earth would I somehow end up paying for hosting time at the end of the period when I've used it. IDK. But I guess I better go send a support ticket and complain. I HATE THAT.

OH I got accepted into college FINALLY. Not that there was any chance of me not getting accepted but, there was lots of confusion and I sent in my application back in MAY even and I still haven't gotten a letter about financial aid which apparently I'm supposed to have gotten and I got a letter that makes it sound like they didn't get my FAFSA though I had gotten another letter that implied they got the FAFSA but no application and now I don't even know. But I have orientation on the 13th so hopefully I can get help with that then or something I don't know.

I hate all the things in my life that are supposed to be simple but have gotten complicated. Web hosting. College. On-stage tickets. Yeah. But there's some good coming so I'm trying not to get too aggravated.

BTW I've been doing some sewing again:

( PICTURES )